The serpent in polyamory paradise

Editor’s note: In this excerpt from a first-of-a-kind book on polyamory in the Indian context, author Arundhati Ghosh addresses the elephant in the room. How do polyamorous individuals deal with jealousy? She acknowledges its existence and goes into detail of the whys and hows, with a tip (or two) to reign it in. ‘All Our loves’ by Arundhati Ghosh. Published with permission from Aleph Book Company.

About the lead image: This 1874 painting titled 'Jealousy and Flirtation' is by Haynes King—an English genre painter. 

Jealousy is not a single emotion and the reasons why we feel it when our partners are intimate with others, differ from person to person. Many psychoanalysts have studied it for ages. I, too, have found a few answers in my long and arduous exploration of jealousy. Some people see the partner as a possession. ‘You are mine’ has made for the lyrics of many popular songs, establishing the idea of ‘no trespassing’. 

Much like the legal rights over private property, ‘loyalty’ rights prevail over the lover. If one understands this, it is easy to see here why monogamy evolved with the advent of private property as discussed in an earlier chapter. There are others who see the partner fused to themselves—an extension of their own being. ‘Ek ho gaye hum aur tum (You and I have become one)’ from Bombay (1995), and lyrics of that nature, take songs to the hit charts. Here, the intimacy of another person with the partner becomes a nonconsensual intimacy with the self. This creates a sense of violation which is strongly resented. 

Some people also fear being displaced. They imagine that the partner might ‘replace’ them with another. Unable to see space for multiple loves in a person’s life, in them, jealousy creates the illusion of the heart as a room with only one chair. This reason for jealousy is often accompanied by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Insecurity, because one already starts feeling and performing the sense of being abandoned by the lover; and inadequacy, because one blames the self for not being ‘good enough’ and that is seen as the reason for the partner being intimate with another person. 

I have been more jealous of my partner’s other partners when I have known that they brought something into their life that I can not. Whether it is riding a motorcycle and going for adventures, playing a sport they love, developing scholarly arguments together, or even knowing a certain mother tongue—in places where I know I fall short, jealousy grips me tight in its claws. This reason becomes debilitating because the feeling moves quickly from anger against the partner to self-pity and self-loathing. 

There is yet another reason as to why we feel jealous. We are often fuelled by a sense of competition—wanting to always be No. 1, sit at the centre of the universe. Due to unempathetic parenting, we grow up assessing our own worth only through the extent of our achievements and acquisitions. We see our parents smile only when we bring home a prize, so we embed in ourselves the idea that we matter only when we win something. We learn to despise loss. When our partners are intimate with others, we suffer from a sense of having lost them and that makes us angry, taking a toll on our self-worth.

Is jealousy natural or constructed? We are made to understand that it is a natural feeling. But just like heteronormativity or monogamy, I believe it is at least part constructed. Monoamorous love presented to us in stories, songs, films, books, and in the manner in which people behave, teaches us to be jealous. However, I feel it does not matter whether it is natural or constructed, because when one chooses the polyamorous life, we must learn to manage jealousy and if possible, over time, eliminate it from our lives.

So how do we manage jealousy? In my own life, I have decided that I will not be afraid of this painful emotion. When I feel jealous, I follow a simple routine. I first try and understand the reason for it and accept it without trying to ‘conquer’ it. I let it flow through me and settle. The heartburn is horrible—a bit like drinking neem juice—but it’s okay; it’s good for health. I attempt to remember the love I experience with that partner, and recall that I know their heart is large enough to accommodate more than one person. I have found that the best way to cope is to restrain myself from blaming the partner, and instead, telling myself, ‘This is how I am feeling and this feeling is my responsibility.’ I know that I can also ask for my partner’s help. 

So sometimes, I share my feelings with my partner, if I feel they will listen with patience. One of the worst ways to experience jealousy is to do so without any protection or safety net from the partner. Again, it is important that we share this feeling without accusation, and while they should listen with care, they should do so without feeling guilty. This depth of trust comes with time and communication. Every time I have come out of one of those hellish spiralling jealousies, I have felt liberated and alive.

There are ways to support a partner’s jealousy too, especially when they are not good at handling jealousy on their own, or have not had enough practice doing so. Listening to their fears and fumes without judgement is the first and hardest step. They may doubt our love, disregard all the good things in the relationship, blame us for feeling miserable, or burden us with guilt—it is important to listen with kindness and not react to the outpouring of emotions. Reassurances sound very empty at this time. 

But after the haze of it has passed, I have found partners remembering and acknowledging my support. The worst way to help a lover is to get all rational on them at this point, or justify one’s actions, or even recall agreements one has made in the relationship that do not have any space for jealousy. Jealousy is not a rational affair; it is an emotion that needs to play itself out, especially by those who are new in the craft of managing it. Waiting patiently, with a ready and steady shoulder for leaning on, is the best way for a partner to walk through this difficult region. 

I continue to feel jealous in some situations, but its impact is much reduced now, as I continue to train myself to respond differently. Polyamorous people don’t speak of jealousy enough. They should. It shows our vulnerable side. That way, we won’t be seen as freaks but as folks struggling through it all, just like our monoamorous friends.

Being monoamorous, however, does not protect one from jealousy. In the worst-case scenario, people end up having secret affairs that don’t stay secret. They burst into the lives of unsuspecting victims with copious amounts of toxin aided by silly

mistakes like unmindfully picking up a spouse’s phone when a secret lover calls. And jealousy wages a devastating war on the relationship. In the best-case scenario, where partners actually keep to their promise of not being intimate with others, there are still strong jealousies about parents, siblings, friends, or even hobbies that engage the partner. 

I have seen people being jealous of their partners spending time with a whole range of things and people, including motorcycles, bee hives, work colleagues, and even their own children! Intimacy, like love, can have different meanings for different people. The ruins of these various jealousies are all quite overwhelming. The only way to live with jealousy is to practise all the different ways in which polyamorous people negotiate their relationship with it.

Is it possible to have ‘clean love’—devoid of jealousy or expectations, like Buddhism preaches? I am sure it is possible for some people if they practise hard enough. But for me, the struggle is a reality. I cope on some days and I don’t on others. But each day I accept working with jealousy is a part of my practice.